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Point of No Return: Blogging 
23rd-Oct-2008 07:25 pm
Gackt - Alone
Back in the day... I remember blogging because pretty much everyone I knew also did it too. You could call it peer pressure. You could call it peer envy.

Maybe I was just too gullible when I was younger since when someone said something 'Hey, join us since it's fun', I'd get really enticed and go for it.

I always did try to get into whatever people suggested to me in the spirit of fun.

Up and until I lost interest in it. D:

Or something comes up that I'm no longer able to indulge myself in the the fun things being introduced to me.

In this case... It's about blogging.

I remember being told about the blog thing by HS peers. Back then, blogger/blogspot was the thing then. It was highly customizable. You could tinker with practically everything and anything. It was such that it was so highly DIY! There had to be codes to be placed for chatterbox and commenting functions then. But fun nonetheless. I just recently deleted my blogspot account though. >>; I had placed my real name there and it was so...embarrassing. The layout was so jurassic and the content... It was just A LOT of quizilla results. Man, I remember the days that you could have a dozen entries just for your random quiz results.
Then post all that, there was the BWAHAHAHA! regarding the results and all that. Like... 'I knew it!' or 'What?! No way!'. It was a peek into people's personalities that showed something we might already know or had yet to know.

I forgot how I eventually found myself into LJ though. It must have been someone's suggestion still. It was during college when I did so. Since I remember it was also around the time that most of my HS peers also migrated there. ^^;

My first username was my birthday. IN NUMBERS.

A lot of people didn't like it since well... They were numbers. But it made it all the more easier for me to remember really.

I can still remember my first layout. It was so lame and easy really. Something I ripped from GITS: Innocence. Later on it was changed to something Vagrant Story like...

Then I don't know anymore. xD I remember a Mathias moment. Later on and up to now we have Dante. Yum.

...Like every other journal, I abandoned that one eventually.

1. A stalker was reading it.

2. I didn't want to unfriend someone/s I didn't like thanks to some personal agenda from people I met from certain fandoms. Most especially this one really. xD

3. I think I was starting to have a fall out with blogging. D:

I miss my old journal really. The username was way cool. Even if I didn't like my birthday numbers or obsessed about it like 'Tis my lucky number/etc', it was giggle factor for me to look at people's profiles and see numbers stand out from the friends. It's definitely not something easy to forget.

Made a new one and the third reason was becoming more apparent more than ever why I don't blog anymore these days.

Considering my usual factors why I stopped blogging are gone now.

More or less that is!

1. I was on dial up.

2. I was a sporadic poster. Thanks to #1, I had to plan when I did my entries and posted them on queue, being online only when it was need be so I didn't waste valuable internet credits. It was rather... planned. Structured. I didn't like it.

3. Because of me being unable to go online much or write for the moment (then let the dial up credits go by while I try to write... We all know, it can be pretty slow at times. D:) I learned to journal offline and became more dependent on that. To the point I abandoned my LJ already. : /

4. I just didn't have anything to say anymore.

As a lot know, #1 does not exist anymore.

So why don't I blog anymore?

#3 and #4 really.

Though to be quite honest, I rarely write on my offline journals too and it's really mosly just #4.

This brings back to mind a conversation I had with Ria on MSN about blogging.

Back then, we blogged... It was fun and liberating. Blogging was something done so effortlessly. We loved what we did. But as time came by, blogging was... You had to write everything and anything, even take pics if need be. You had to do an overly detailed something. I don't know. We both felt somehow that through years... We somehow lost the charm of youth that our older entries had.

It was funny.

It was witty.

It was easy.

Doesn't help that personally, I've lost the impulse to write about my life. As the years have gone by, my life is anything but eventful and worth sharing. If I wrote about my life within the last four years, it would be a story of disappointment and hurt. I just didn't see the point of writing about these. It felt like crying. Sure it felt good to rant and scream at the open beyond since you couldn't do it openly to whoever it was intended to or just let it out but it really doesn't do much to help the situation. At some point, blogging felt like a way for me to heal a little but those littles... Life just had a way to supersede the littles and make them look so pointless to have a dosage have since the little cures still wouldn't help me through the do. It just wouldn't do...

My life...is boring really. The only thing that seems to make it dramuh-worthy is the string of angry fits towards how practically everything just doesn't go my way: to myself or others. Usually others but there's more impact when I disappoint myself really. -_-;

I look at people's blogs and can't help but feel a little bit of envy since they're living eventful lives and are able to share about them. I look back into myself and wonder what happened to the time that passed by and why in the world did I just let it go without doing anything 'eventful'.

The more recent entries the last few so and so haven't been blog entries to me. They're more like complaints from an angry mind day after day after day... There is nothing but complains posted and it makes me go, 'Wait a minute, is there NOTHING happy to write about?!'

My reflections have gone beyond blogging and have made me want to examine my own life, realizing just how... blah it is. I keep saying it's not my fault but in a way, we can't really go on blaming everybody else. Though yes, it is true that instances in life happen where we just end up not being able to do anything and stuff aren't within our hands---in a way, it partially happens because of circumstances we allow ourselves to be in that's why we can't. Life ain't a one way street. : /

Events in our lives don't happen without our interferences.


Have we been so submissive? Like we simply allow things to happen while we suffer it's aftermath: hurting us even after the event has come to pass for such a long time already. We don't want to fight and just let things come. Who do we blame? Ourselves? Others? Environment?

It's like...

I want to take more in control of my life, like never before. I never was since well I am still young and pretty much living a parasite/dependent existence with my family. I'm still a student and am not allowed to work just yet.

I want to do things that I really want to do without much intervention.

I want to be free.

I want to be happy.

I want to take a more active role in life and not just let people decide for me since I can't just have that all my life. Even if it's been the way things have often been for me. I only make little decisions. Nothing major and life changing much.

Then again, who doesn't want that for themselves right?

I may not blog as much... Having lost that blogging impulse or the feel to openly share things of my life -nothing eventful has really happened much to anyway- at least the very most I can probably do is still remain a living presence by commenting and such.

Too bad, I just can't get back to the almost daily entry bit.

Maybe in the future.

Who knows...

But right now, I can't blog anymore. There's nothing to blog about.

And that I actually want a life. Technically I never had my own to live since pretty much a lot of what has been was already cut and ready to sew for me by others, making it simply just a matter of finishing the dress up to me. Figurative. :P

I think, more than anything---that's the most important thing.
23rd-Oct-2008 04:01 pm (UTC)
Aww~ we haven't spoken much lately, but I guess I'll miss you? O: Well, keep in touch at least... how is your doll, anyway?

And I still do want to someday go to Cebu ;A;
23rd-Oct-2008 08:09 pm (UTC)
It's not meant to be a goodbye LJ entry. XD;

I was just reflecting on how inactive I've been.


...And yes, you have to go to Cebu.

Lith? He's my cosplay partner ;D Still finding ways that we can go around together. And he is still wearing last year's clothes. Poor thing needs to be given new stuff. So lazy. So emo from last year. -_-

Two years after and I'm still the only one in here who owns a BJD. Teh lonely. T__T;;
24th-Oct-2008 01:04 am (UTC)
...and yet you can write an essay and not put it behind an LJ cut.
30th-Nov-2008 06:51 am (UTC)
Heck when I was writing this I didn't even have that in mind because I had totally forgotten all my LJ codes and stuff. I don't even know how to make proper icons anymore these days---it's a big thing since I used to do it frequently.

Am that disconnected from LJ already.
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